I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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