Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
