I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
