how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
