I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Panties = found
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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