I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
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It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
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I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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