fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
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There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
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Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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