its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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