Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
