i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
