Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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