Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
