I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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