thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dignity is for republicans.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
