my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
