eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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