In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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