remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
