I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Say something about gay babies.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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