life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
