i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
