i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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