I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
