She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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