Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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