I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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