This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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