Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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