Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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