I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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