did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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