How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drank out of a bidet.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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