I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
