the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
