we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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