My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
