did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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