I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
