You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
