I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
