How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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