In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
