Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
