what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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