new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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