please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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