I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
