You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
