Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
