Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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