I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
