The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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