I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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